Mumps for Creative - Some Thoughts on TLC 2017

It’s that time of year again, the one which fills us all with dread and brings a chill to the world of wrestling. No, not Halloween – I mean the season of unnecessary gimmick PPVs. First Hell in a Cell for Smackdown, now RAW’s TLC: Tender Loving Chairs. Though, for a PPV themed around TLC matches, it was remarkably light on… well, TLC matches. The only match involving the eponymous items of furniture was the main event, and even that was under ‘pinfall or submission’ rules, rather than the usual ladder-based stipulation. To be honest, I actually found this refreshing. As I said in my last post, gimmick PPVs often seem forced to me. Only the main event deserved the stipulation here, so I was pleased that they showed restraint with the undercard.

To make things even weirder, WWE is in the midst of a viral meningitis/mumps invasion angle, which meant that instead of the Big Dog we got the Big Dad, in the form of an adorably excited Kurt Angle. The parental theme continued with the addition of everyone’s favourite ‘soccer mom’, AJ ‘I want to speak to the manager’ Styles. Since, apparently, the dark magic of Sister Abigail (i.e. make-up and a voice changer) doesn’t protect her from viruses…

All in all, an unusual setup to a rather odd PPV. Let’s get into it.

Asuka vs. Emma

These two had what I think is a thoroughly underrated match at NXT Takeover: London, so I was looking forward to this a lot. This match wasn’t quite at that level, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. The difficulty was always going to be getting the balance of offence right. They could have just had Asuka squash Emma in a matter of seconds, but Emma is already struggling as it is: that would probably have killed her off. Likewise, they could have made it a twenty-minute back-and-forth epic, but then some of Asuka’s mystique would have been lost. As it was, I thought both women came out of the match looking good. Asuka is clearly a force to be reckoned with, but Emma looked strong for hanging with her for almost 10 minutes. Also, Asuka is just so slick in the ring. She has to be one of the best technicians in WWE right now, on any roster.

Summary: solid opener which did its job

Cedric Alexander & Rich Swann vs. Jack Gallagher & THE Brian Kendrick

If the opener under-delivered for me slightly, this match definitely exceeded expectations. Maybe it’s just because I’ve started watching 205 Live (it’s a fun show and an easy watch, honestly), but I’m enjoying these throwaway cruiserweight tag matches a lot more these days. They’ve chopped out some of the rest holds and gone more towards the flippy spot-fest style that people expect from cruiserweights. This wasn’t a match that we’ll be talking about in years to come, but it was fun and a good showing for all involved. It made me wonder whether there ought to be cruiserweight tag belts: Swann and Alexander make a good team and I wouldn’t mind seeing them wrestle together more often. Swann is more charismatic than he’s given credit for, and although Alexander hasn’t shown much charisma yet, he’s incredibly smooth in the ring. His Lumbar Check may be one of my favourite finishers. Also, kudos to Gallagher for his new Peaky Blinders tribute act. Wrestling in a tie is seriously impressive.

Summary: nothing to write home about, but good fun (i.e. the essence of 205 Live)

Alexa Bliss vs. Mickie James

The build to this match has been somewhat baffling. We’re supposed to believe that Mickie James is an aging veteran struggling to keep up who’s been given one last shot at getting the title. Normally I love this kind of story. The only problem here is that Mickie James isn’t that old. At 38, she’s younger than both AJ Styles and Sheamus. Would either of them get called out on their age? I suspect not. The whole thing reeks of traditional WWE-brand sexism. Loads of the male wrestlers have kids (hell, Heath Slater has ten), but because Mickie James is a woman, her child gets brought up on TV as evidence that she can’t wrestle... I appreciate WWE’s effort to tell one-on-one stories with the women, but this just isn’t believable for me. Mickie’s only two years older than Asuka (who’s presented as an up-and-coming star), for crying out loud…

Having said that, I thought this was a good match with some solid back and forth. Mickie James showed a lot of fire. I really hope she gets a decent feud at some point. I used not to rate Alexa in the ring (despite her being a natural on the mic), but I’m enjoying her matches a lot more these days. She manages to make a sunset flip powerbomb seem brutal, and her DDT finisher looks devastating.

Summary: a good match with an unconvincing (though interesting) story

Enzo Amore vs Kalisto

I hate Enzo. I hate him in the best way that it’s possible to hate a wrestler. Everything he does annoys me, yet for some reason I’m compelled to watch whenever he’s on screen. He’s a great character. I want to see him get punched in the face. In theory, then, this should have been the perfect match for me: the plucky underdog champ against the arrogant, vengeful Enzo. In reality, however, Kalisto bores me to tears. What’s his personality beyond a luchador who ‘makes Lucha Thing™’ and brings up Eddie Guerrero to get cheap pops? It’s not even as though he’s incredible in the ring. Gran Metalik is similarly bland, but at least he’s capable of jaw-dropping aerobatics. In short, given the choice between Enzo (annoying but interesting) and Kalisto (a good guy but boring), I’m always going to go with the more interesting choice. So even though I was trying to root for Kalisto (I always try to go with the story as much as possible), I was secretly glad that Enzo won.

As for the match itself, it was… there. Kalisto just isn’t very inspiring, and Enzo is severely limited in the ring. Apart from his crunchy diving DDT, all his offence looks very weak. Even his dastardly cheating doesn’t look good. (I had to watch the replay to see that he’d raked Kalisto’s eye, as, from the angle shown on TV, it looked as though he’d just given Kalisto’s cheek a light caress.) But what the cruiserweight division needs right now is a compelling story, and Enzo is more likely to provide that than a bland luchador who can’t cut promos. I hope Kalisto can settle down into the ‘midcard’ of the cruiserweights (which is the bottom of the undercard on the main roster, let’s face it) to make way for a more interesting challenger.

Summary: not very good, but I’m secretly glad that Enzo regained the title

Finn Balór vs. AJ Styles

The first of tonight’s matches to be brought to us by Viral Infections™. And what a juicy match-up it was: two veterans of the ring who cut their teeth elsewhere and spent time in NJPW. Commentary did a good job of hyping up these parallels, I thought (when Booker T wasn’t trying to derail everything – more on that later…).

The match itself was pretty sublime. Everything they did looked so crisp. Both guys got in some nice technical stuff; I enjoyed the surprise of Finn’s Romero Special, and AJ’s Calf Crusher transitions were as beautiful as always. The finish was great too, with AJ’s springboard headscissors, Balór’s brutal lariat, and then a Coup de Grâce to finish.  (Was that the most brutal Coup de Grâce that Balór has pulled off recently? It looked brilliant.) Everything made perfect sense and Styles looked great, even in defeat. AND THAT TOO SWEET AT THE END. I’ve never watched any New Japan, but even I got serious Feelings from seeing that.

However, although I’ve just waxed lyrical about it, it was only my second favourite match of the night. Why? Story (or rather, lack thereof). I enjoyed it thoroughly, but I didn’t really care who won. That’s not a criticism – they couldn’t have been expected to produce a deep narrative between two crowd favourites in a few days – it just makes me more excited to see this match further down the line with a compelling feud driving it.

Summary: a stellar match, even without a story behind it

Jason Jordan vs. Elias (Samson – Surnames 4 Justice)

It’s always sad when you get something that you wanted and then it doesn’t work out. Unfortunately, Jason Jordan’s push seems to be very much in this category. He’s not clicking with me as a goofy babyface, and it sounds as though the audience couldn’t care less about him either. The segments throughout the show where he pelted Elias with vegetables were excruciatingly embarrassing. He’s supposed to be a thoroughbred professional athlete: why would he care about someone singing a song enough to lob a cabbage at them? And where did he get those vegetables? Did he anticipate that Elias would sing at TLC (despite not having a match scheduled) and stop at the shops on his way (when he wasn’t even supposed to be wrestling either) to stock up on celery? Was there just a trolley of vegetables sitting around backstage? Absolutely baffling. It’s the worst kind of WWE ‘comedy’, of the “sufferin’ succotash” variety. Babyfaces being goofy only works if they can make it seem natural (e.g. the magnificence that is Breezango). Jordan is a talented wrestler, but he’s not capable of pulling that off.

As for the match, it was entirely missable. Jason Jordan is good in the ring (although he’s starting to fall into that predictable pattern that represents the worst of the WWE-style) but Elias is mediocre at best. As such, it was pretty boring until the dodgy finish. I couldn’t tell if it was deliberate or a mistake, but I didn’t really have much reason to care either.

Summary: a dull and lifeless affair, as the Jason Jordan experiment continues to flounder

Interlude: We Need to Talk about Booker

This was the first PPV where I’ve seriously considered muting the TV to avoid hearing the commentary. Cole was fine for most of the night (although describing Asuka as “fun-loving” was a weird call), and Graves was brilliant as usual. The problem was Booker T. Up until the penultimate match, he was mostly harmless, often falling silent for long periods before apparently waking up a loud “MMMMmmmm”. But then Jason Jordan got in the ring, and immediately everything went downhill. I can appreciate that Booker’s supposed to be the veteran who dislikes upstart rookies, but he came in far too strong by saying that Jordan only got this match because of Kurt Angle. Having presumably realised this, he spent the rest of the match flip-flopping wildly and defending himself against his increasingly exasperated colleagues. It was downright distracting, and did nothing to help poor Jason, who’s having enough trouble getting over as it is. As for the main event, Booker almost ruined several big moments with terrible calls, referring to Angle, the 48-year-old man being presented as a hero, as “pathetic”…

I may have become a wrestling fan after Booker T retired from the ring, but I know that he’s undoubtedly a legend of the business. That does not, however, mean that he is automatically qualified to commentate. Randy Savage and Mick Foley were legends, and their commentary was dire. I get that, with JBL gone, he’s the only big name left on the announce teams, but surely they could find someone else to replace him? It’s got to a point where he’s actively detracting from the product. This needs to stop. At this point I’d happily take David Otunga, Percy Watson, or even Lita. She’s not very good, but at least she doesn’t oscillate wildly between entirely opposing positions…

5-on-3 handicap pinfall or submission TLC match – The ShAngle vs. The Big Red Monster among the MizBar

This one was completely mental even before the Big Dog got the Big Sniffles. The Shield vs. a bizarre hodgepodge of their enemies, loosely held together by the Miz. Their motivations all made sense though: Braun wanted revenge for the triple powerbomb, the Bar (A.K.A. Sheasaro) wanted revenge for losing the tag titles, Kane wanted revenge for Roman retiring his brother, and the Miz was driven by an inferiority complex the size of Strowman and Big Show’s lovechild (sorry for the unwanted mental images). And then Stupid Sexy Kurt went and got involved, and suddenly it got even crazier. Kurt doing the Shield entrance with Dean and Seth, looking like, as many memes have pointed out, the biggest Make-a-Wish child ever. It was simultaneously cool and hilarious. The crowd didn’t really know what to do either, eventually making a valiant attempt to chant “You suck!” to the Shield’s music.

And all of that was before the bell had even rung. When the match got underway, things got even more balls-to-the-wall insane, with more twists and turns than a Zack Sabre Jr. submission hold. It was too action-packed to go through spot-by-spot, but I also can’t resist running down some of the highlights. So here’s a rundown of every crazy moment in this maelstrom of a match.

1. CHAIRS FOR DAYS. YOU get a chair-shot, and YOU get a chair-shot! Everyone gets a chair-shot!

2. Twin dives off ladders through the announce tables by Rollins and Ambrose and we’re not even that far into the match yet. Oh boy. This is quite something.

3. Braun kills Angle with a powerslam through a table. I’m assuming that wasn’t supposed to be part of the Make-a-Wish experience…

4. Why do tables suddenly hate Ambrose? Two refused to break for him this match. The second time looked absolutely horrible. 

5. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal, Kane. That chair spot was cool though. Made Strowman look like a monster when he dragged himself out from under them and across the stage.

6. TEAM MIZ JUST KILLED A MAN. BY CRUSHING HIM IN A BIN LORRY. WHAT IS GOING ON?! If Braun survives, surely he has to turn face now, right?

7. Angle is back! That Angle Slam through the table looked nasty in all the right ways, and I loved him taking everyone to Suplex City. This was a good showing for Kurt, especially at such short notice.

8. Is this one of those YouTube videos called ‘50 Finishers to the Miz in WWE 2k18’? With this and the Royal Rumble this year, his new quest seems to be to take a finisher from everyone on the roster…

9. Kurt Angle becomes the Biggest Dog. I never knew I needed this until now. They finally hit the triple powerbomb, and that’s it.

Okay, so on paper, I know there was a lot wrong with this match: it didn’t flow very well, the story was full of holes (what was Miz’s plan for after Angle had left and he'd put the Shield in the bin lorry? Pin… nobody? Win by default? And why did Kane wait so long to turn on Braun?), it was a bit stilted, yadda yadda yadda. But you know what? I DON’T CARE. This was So. Much. Fun. Just a car crash in the best possible way. It was complete chaos from start to finish. I had a ball watching it. There was the perfect balance of predictability (e.g. Kurt’s triumphant return) and surprise (e.g. the goddamn garbage truck). Epic WWE silliness at its finest. Matches like this are why I love pro-wrestling.

Summary: a messy, chaotic riot from start to finish. I loved every minute of it.

Overall

I really enjoyed TLC for the most part. It started off fairly pedestrian, but by the second half things started to heat up. What’s interesting is that the two stand-out matches couldn’t have been more different, each reflecting a contrasting aspect of pro-wrestling. Styles vs. Balor was pro-wrestling as sport: a highly-skilled athletic contest between two masters of their craft. The main event was wrestling as a spectacle. No one would mistake this kind of match for sport: it’s closer to a pantomime or circus show. I love both aspects of pro-wrestling, and it makes me happy that WWE in 2017 can offer both. It wasn’t just a two-match-show though: the rest of the card was fairly strong too, with above-average women’s matches and a fun cruiserweight tag.

Of course, comparisons are always going to be made with Hell in a Cell. On balance, I think that TLC had much stronger undercard, but I enjoyed Hell in a Cell more, purely because of its standout book-end matches. Balór/Styles was great, but it couldn’t match up to the drama of the New Day vs. the Usos.

But don’t get me wrong: TLC was a very fun PPV, especially considering the last-minute changes to the card. Now would someone please go and rescue Braun from the landfill site, and possibly stitch him back together. He’s got a certain A-Lister to destroy…

Hell in a Cell 2017 Thoughts

The first wrestling that I ever watched was Hell in a Cell 2015, almost two years ago. I realise that, in wrestling terms, this makes me the equivalent of a toddler babbling incoherently about “effective booking” and “long-term storytelling” while much older fans look on with a mixture of amusement and disgust. However, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole pretty thoroughly in the last year or so, so I thought I’d mark this two year anniversary of watching men and women fight in their underwear by starting to write about it on the internet. 

Hell in a Cell is one of those PPVs which sounds great on paper, but doesn’t work for me in reality. When I started watching wrestling in 2015, all I wanted to see were the cool stunts: people getting thrown off things, people going through tables, people getting thrown off things through tables, tables getting thrown off things through people. Hell in a Cell seemed like a dream come true: a whole PPV devoted to the ‘most dangerous match in the WWE’.  Two years later, however, while I still love a good spot-fest (TLC II remains one of my favourite matches), I’m much more into the story-telling aspect of wrestling. The Hell in a Cell match was originally designed to be the violent blow-off to an epic feud which just couldn’t be contained any other way. That’s all well and good, but when you have a PPV devoted to this kind of match every year, you’d better hope you’ve got some ‘epic feuds’ lined up, otherwise the whole thing feels really forced. While I’d still prefer to have Hell in a Cell matches arise organically rather than at a specific PPV, this year I thought that WWE did a good job of ensuring that both Hell in a Cell matches felt as though they deserved to be in the Cell. 

New Day (c) vs. The Usos – Tag Team Hell in a Cell for the Tag Team Titles

I always knew this was going to be a belter of a match. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was just quite how damn fun it would be.

What worked for me especially was how it managed to be both a complete spot-fest with something crazy going on roughly every 0.3 seconds, but also told a brilliant story. Everything in the match fed into the narrative that the New Day were trying to be more vicious than they’d ever been before: from the very start, when the New Day unveiled their weapons that they’d obviously placed under the ring themselves (that rainbow kendo stick was a thing of beauty), to later on in the match when they tried to trap an Uso (I can never remember how you’re supposed to tell them apart) in the corner with kendo sticks . Even their pre-match promo didn’t end with the usual “New… Day Rocks” chants and accompanying hip gyrations. (It strikes me that Bayley could really have benefitted from the same kind of treatment in that godawful ‘kendo stick on a pole’ match at Extreme Rules this year, instead of ending up looking as though she’d struggle to pin a wet paper bag – thinking about that still makes me angry.) However, as ruthless as the New Day were, the Usos always went managed to be even crueller. Xavier Woods went nuts with musical instruments (which I loved), but the Usos fought back with real weapons. The New Day tried to be innovative and trap an Uso with kendo sticks but then the Usos straight-up tied Woods to a post and beat the crap out of him (which was really hard to watch, in the best possible way).

And those spots… I legitimately thought Big E was going to kill himself with that suicide spear into the cage. And his uranage off the apron into the backstabber from Xavier was innovative, brutal, and messy in the best possible way. But then, just when you thought things couldn’t escalate any further, the Usos hit a kind of springboard Doomsday Device on Big E, INTO THE CAGE WALL. Crazy. Absolutely crazy. 

The final splash onto a chair would have almost seemed like a let-down, if Xavier hadn’t taken unbelievable amounts of punishment throughout the rest of the match. His final desperate pin break, followed by his valiant attempt to fight with his hands cuffed was one of the best babyface moments I’ve seen all year, and it only made his subsequent demise seem even more crushing. 

Sensational stuff - this match is definitely in my shortlist of ‘match of the year’ contenders. This was a fantastic end to a great feud and I hope that both teams move on from this to have good feuds with other guys. If the calibre of this series is any indication, I don’t doubt that they will.

Summary: incredible match with breath-taking spots and a compelling story

Randy Orton (boo) vs. Rusev (yay)

I really don’t get the love for Randy Orton. He looks cool and he has a brilliant finisher, but I find him pretty dull in the ring and he comes across as a bit of a dick. And crowds seem to love him. Feuds like this don’t help me like him. Poor Rusev, the handsome, majestic beast that he is, just wanted to celebrate being handsome and Bulgarian in peace, when some prick from Missouri who thinks he’s snake came along and ruined everything. Seriously though? What has Rusev actually done to deserve being booed here? Being proud of a country which isn’t the USA? But apparently, since WWE logic says that racism is only bad when Canadian-Indians do it, the literal arsonist, Randy Orton, is the face here. 

And that brings us to the match. It was… fine, I guess. I found myself checking my phone throughout a lot of it. The crowd seemed into it, but I just couldn’t get invested, even though I wanted to see Rusev beat Orton. I liked that commentary mentioned the whole ‘Legend Killer’ thing, but I wish that that had been a bigger part of the build rather than just “Boo foreigners, yay Americans”. 

I did think that the finish was excellent though, with Rusev grabbing Orton’s arms as he did the rather silly “slithering in” thing, rolling beautifully into the Accolade, and then Orton doing the ol’ ‘Russ Abbott special’ through Rusev’s legs (there need to be more old-school Johnny Saint moves used in WWE) followed by a brutal RKO. It’s a shame to see Rusev lose again, but I’m just done with this feud really. Let’s move on and let Rusev do something else.

Summary: A thoroughly average match with a neat ending

AJ Styles (c) vs. Tye Dillinger vs. Baron Corbin – Triple Threat for the US Title

Who’s afraid of the big, bad motorcycle wolf? Not me – he’s mostly just boring. The addition of Tye made the match feel fresh, but it highlighted how I’d much rather see basically anyone in the ring with AJ Styles than Corbin. I thought that the parts of the match which were just AJ and Tye were fun and dynamic, but as soon as Big Barry C. got involved, things slowed down to a snail’s pace and I started to zone out. I know that he’s a heel and I should be wanting the faces to escape his clutches, but there are ways to achieve that without making the audience switch off. I’m not saying he should be throwing planchas every five minutes – maybe just cut down on the rest holds and the endless punches a little.

Having said that, there were some really fun spots involving all three guys. I loved Baron catching Styles with the chokebreaker off the attempted springboard (though I still maintain that that move is far too brutal to be a transitional move, especially as in Chikara it KAYFABE MURDERS PEOPLE). Tye literally falling into a cover was really clever too and I’ll always pop for the beauty that is Baron Corbin’s Deep Six. 

I liked the finish too. It made me annoyed in a good way at Corbin for stealing the win, and kept AJ looking strong. The US title is a perfect place for Baron at the moment I think, and hopefully Styles will go on to do bigger and better things (just please not losing to Jinder). Tye also had a really good showing, so hopefully he gets something good soon.

Summary: fun match, shame about the endless stalling from Corby B.

Charlotte vs. Natalya (c) for the Women's Title

Okay, I expect I’ll get some flak for this one but… I actually quite liked this match. It wasn’t amazing or anything, but I think it was better than the crowd reaction suggested. It doesn’t help that the feud going in has been completely heatless. Natalya is a decent wrestler, but possibly the worst actress ever and entirely incapable of seeming genuine.

With that in mind, I thought she did a decent job here of working over Charlotte’s leg. I’m always a sucker for some limb-targeting, especially when it’s sold well (I loved Charlotte hopping to the top turnbuckle). Whilst it wasn’t the slickest leg-destruction in the world, it laid some solid groundwork for a potentially fun finish.

Unfortunately, just when it seemed as though the match was going to go up a gear… it just ended. With a DQ. Now I don’t get as mad at DQ finishes as some people. When they’re used sparingly (as they were on this show) I think they can be an effective way to get the audience invested in seeing someone get beaten. But what annoyed me about this was that, over the last few weeks, the women’s segments on SmackDown have seemed entirely superfluous and throwaway. Why couldn’t they have done this finish last week, and had the rematch at the PPV? This would have made an excellent TV match, instead of the baffling tag match that they had instead (where Charlotte tapped out). That way, people might have actually cared about this match going in. 

I hope that we get some decent women’s singles stories soon, but since the next SmackDown PPV is Survivor Series which will undoubtedly feature Team SmackDown vs Team Raw, I’m somewhat doubtful about that…

Summary: the first half of a decent match, with solid limb-working, let down by a flat DQ finish.

Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura.

Ugh. This is bollocks. Shameful, boring, lazy, uninspiring, ungrateful bollocks. Let’s say you’re SmackDown’s creative team. You’ve suddenly got a guy on your hands who’s more popular than most of your roster. He was a sensation in Japan, has an incredible look and entrance, and was a dominant fan-favourite in NXT, although hasn’t quite had the classic matches that people were hoping for. How do you book him? Throw him into a hot feud with a heel who’ll help him to showcase what he can do in the ring but whom he can bet convincingly, right? Nah, have him get beaten up by Ziggler for a while, and then get pinned twice (once cleanly) by a guy who was in undercard ‘comedy’ spots with an NFL player six months ago. I’m all for letting WWE tell the stories that they want to tell rather than fantasy booking and getting angry when it doesn’t happen, but this seems like such a waste. Baffling. Absolutely baffling.

The match was as humdrum and listless as they come which, considering one of people in it is one of the best wrestlers in the world, is an almost impressive feat of mediocrity. It’s possible that Nakamura is still adjusting to the WWE style, but even if he isn’t, there’s no way he’s going to be able to put on a classic with a man who, with the best will in the world, has never had a good match in his life. Again, it’s not that I think Jinder ought to be pulling out moonsaults – he is a heel after all. Just some basic skill at pacing a match or doing anything other than endless rest holds would be nice. When commentary says his style ‘isn’t flashy’, what they really mean is that he’s boring as hell. 

As usual, the artists-formerly-known-as-the-Bollywood-Boyz were the best part of the match. I actually liked how the match played off Jinder’s previous distraction wins by having the Singhs ejected towards the end. Surely Nakamura had to win now? Nope. One crappy ‘Khallas’ cobra clutch slam, and that was it. This isn’t being a good heel: this is breaking storytelling. I just can’t bring myself to believe that Nakamura, who was so dominant in NXT, would be pinned after being lowered gently to the mat once by an ex-jobber. 

If the guy at the top of the mountain in on your show isn’t believable as the top guy, how can you expect anything else to stand up to scrutiny?  
Summary: dull match with an unconvincing finish

Bobby Roode vs Dolph Ziggler

From dull to duller. At least there were some stakes in the last match. This one felt like the standard match that every debuting wrestler has with Ziggler. Corbin, Nakamura, Roode: they’ve all fallen into the quagmire of storytelling that is Dolph Ziggler. At least he’s trying to do something different with his whole ‘I don’t need a fancy entrance because I’m the best wrestler in the world’ deal. I actually liked him coming out with no music, but the whole thing just rings a bit false. It would work better if he were a Cesaro or a Sami Zayn who people do think are genuinely better in the ring than a lot of main event guys. Ziggler is good, sure, but I can’t believe that anyone honestly thinks that he’s leagues above someone like Styles.

The match was… a match. Moves happened. Roode continued to feel a bit awkward as a face for me. Ziggler continued to be boring. I liked the ‘Roll-Up City’ finish and Ziggler’s subsequent fury, but unfortunately it seems to mean that this feud will continue. Let’s hope it gets more interesting, or that Roode can extricate himself before he Ziggler drags him down to Hell in the Midcard. 

Summary: fine

Shane vs Owens: Hell in a Cell

I didn’t watch WWE back then, but when fans talk about how they wish the current product were more like the Attitude Era, this is the kind of thing that I imagine they want more of. This felt truly epic in length, scale and story, and was filled with so many brilliant and shocking moments. Going in, I was hoping it would be more Shane vs Styles from WM33 than Shane vs Undertaker from WM32, and I wasn’t disappointed. It felt like one of those ridiculous Hell in a Cell matches that you have when playing wrestling games with your mates (except Shane didn’t spend 20 minutes trying to get the OMG moment to trigger so he could leave the cage – bolt cutters are cheating). It helped that the build to it was stellar and I was thoroughly invested in the story. I like Kevin Owens the performer very much, but I sure as hell wanted to see Kevin Owens the character get beaten by Shane. And what’s more, I believed that it was possible, despite Shane being a 47-year-old non-wrestling businessman! Hey, WWE title scene, this is how you tell an improbable yet believable story…

The ‘falls count anywhere’ stipulation meant that the focus of match was always going to be outside the cage, but I was pleasantly surprised by how fun the bit inside was. There were lots of fun spots, like the coast-to-coast, the shooting star press and KO’s incredible cannonball through a table. Owens’ constant jaw-jacking was great too, although someone should have briefed Shane’s kids a bit more thoroughly on at least pretending to look concerned for their dad’s wellbeing… (Hell, I was concerned for him, and I’m not even related to the guy…) The only really glaring flaw was that ridiculous rope break bit. What were Owens and the ref thinking? It’s always a grey area whether no-DQ matches have rope break, but add ‘falls count anywhere’ in and you can definitely pin under the ropes. Still, the ever-brilliant Corey Graves made a valiant save on commentary.

And then things got serious. When Owens climbed the cell and looked as though he was going to jump, I was confused: why would Kevin, the cowardly short-cut taker that he is, put his own body on the line to defeat Shane? But then he bottled it and everything made sense. It was such a great story – Owens is fine attacking defenceless old men, but when he has to risk his own wellbeing to defeat his opponent, he just can’t do it. The fight on top of the cell was an amazing visual and truly epic, but it started to drag after the fifth or sixth move up there: with each one, the impact was lessened. Owens going through the table was a fantastic bump, and Shane’s elbow was no less incredible than it was at Mania. 

But then. Then. SAMI GODDAMN ZAYN. At this point you should probably know that Sami is my absolute favourite wrestler, bar none. I like my babyfaces to actually be decent people: he’s such a sympathetic character, both in the ring and out of it, as well as being an incredible wrestler. I was wearing his NXT shirt as I watched this PPV. And then he betrayed me. I think I actually shouted “NO” at the TV, despite it being some ungodly hour of the morning. This sheer raw emotion is why I watch wrestling: the shock of seeing one of my favourite guys seemingly betray the principles that I’d always admired him for. It raised so many questions in the best possible way. Why did he do it? If it was just because he was worried about Kevin, then why did he help Kevin to win the match as well? Will he show remorse, or has he become a complete dickhead straight away? Whatever the answers, I’ll definitely be tuning into SmackDown to find out (as well as for Pulp Fashion, obviously). This was a fantastic end to a great match.

My only worry is that Shane can’t and shouldn’t keep doing matches like this. I noticed that the Shooting Star Press, which got such a huge reaction at WM, barely caused a stir this time. Every match he has to do something even more spectacular and dangerous than before in order to wow the crowd. Reports are that he was legitimately hospitalised after jumping from the cell this time. One of the reasons I feel happy enjoying pro-wrestling is that I know that pro-wrestlers are trying not to cause any actual damage to each other or themselves. If Shane continues to push the boundaries then I’m not sure I’ll feel comfortable watching his matches any more.

But for now, this was brilliant, and (for the most part), the 39 minutes flew by. 

Summary: a true spectacle with a perfectly executed twist-ending, and only a few parts which dragged

Concluding Thoughts

Overall, I thought that Hell in a Cell 2017 was a really fun PPV (if a little bit long). A few great matches, several average, and only one real stinker. It’s just a shame that the latter was for the WWE title… Most importantly, whereas SmackDown PPVs have sometimes felt inconsequential, this one feels as though it has the potential to reinvigorate SmackDown’s weekly TV. More shows like this and fewer like Battleground, please. But for God’s sake, someone get that title away from Jinder…