Mumps for Creative - Some Thoughts on TLC 2017

It’s that time of year again, the one which fills us all with dread and brings a chill to the world of wrestling. No, not Halloween – I mean the season of unnecessary gimmick PPVs. First Hell in a Cell for Smackdown, now RAW’s TLC: Tender Loving Chairs. Though, for a PPV themed around TLC matches, it was remarkably light on… well, TLC matches. The only match involving the eponymous items of furniture was the main event, and even that was under ‘pinfall or submission’ rules, rather than the usual ladder-based stipulation. To be honest, I actually found this refreshing. As I said in my last post, gimmick PPVs often seem forced to me. Only the main event deserved the stipulation here, so I was pleased that they showed restraint with the undercard.

To make things even weirder, WWE is in the midst of a viral meningitis/mumps invasion angle, which meant that instead of the Big Dog we got the Big Dad, in the form of an adorably excited Kurt Angle. The parental theme continued with the addition of everyone’s favourite ‘soccer mom’, AJ ‘I want to speak to the manager’ Styles. Since, apparently, the dark magic of Sister Abigail (i.e. make-up and a voice changer) doesn’t protect her from viruses…

All in all, an unusual setup to a rather odd PPV. Let’s get into it.

Asuka vs. Emma

These two had what I think is a thoroughly underrated match at NXT Takeover: London, so I was looking forward to this a lot. This match wasn’t quite at that level, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. The difficulty was always going to be getting the balance of offence right. They could have just had Asuka squash Emma in a matter of seconds, but Emma is already struggling as it is: that would probably have killed her off. Likewise, they could have made it a twenty-minute back-and-forth epic, but then some of Asuka’s mystique would have been lost. As it was, I thought both women came out of the match looking good. Asuka is clearly a force to be reckoned with, but Emma looked strong for hanging with her for almost 10 minutes. Also, Asuka is just so slick in the ring. She has to be one of the best technicians in WWE right now, on any roster.

Summary: solid opener which did its job

Cedric Alexander & Rich Swann vs. Jack Gallagher & THE Brian Kendrick

If the opener under-delivered for me slightly, this match definitely exceeded expectations. Maybe it’s just because I’ve started watching 205 Live (it’s a fun show and an easy watch, honestly), but I’m enjoying these throwaway cruiserweight tag matches a lot more these days. They’ve chopped out some of the rest holds and gone more towards the flippy spot-fest style that people expect from cruiserweights. This wasn’t a match that we’ll be talking about in years to come, but it was fun and a good showing for all involved. It made me wonder whether there ought to be cruiserweight tag belts: Swann and Alexander make a good team and I wouldn’t mind seeing them wrestle together more often. Swann is more charismatic than he’s given credit for, and although Alexander hasn’t shown much charisma yet, he’s incredibly smooth in the ring. His Lumbar Check may be one of my favourite finishers. Also, kudos to Gallagher for his new Peaky Blinders tribute act. Wrestling in a tie is seriously impressive.

Summary: nothing to write home about, but good fun (i.e. the essence of 205 Live)

Alexa Bliss vs. Mickie James

The build to this match has been somewhat baffling. We’re supposed to believe that Mickie James is an aging veteran struggling to keep up who’s been given one last shot at getting the title. Normally I love this kind of story. The only problem here is that Mickie James isn’t that old. At 38, she’s younger than both AJ Styles and Sheamus. Would either of them get called out on their age? I suspect not. The whole thing reeks of traditional WWE-brand sexism. Loads of the male wrestlers have kids (hell, Heath Slater has ten), but because Mickie James is a woman, her child gets brought up on TV as evidence that she can’t wrestle... I appreciate WWE’s effort to tell one-on-one stories with the women, but this just isn’t believable for me. Mickie’s only two years older than Asuka (who’s presented as an up-and-coming star), for crying out loud…

Having said that, I thought this was a good match with some solid back and forth. Mickie James showed a lot of fire. I really hope she gets a decent feud at some point. I used not to rate Alexa in the ring (despite her being a natural on the mic), but I’m enjoying her matches a lot more these days. She manages to make a sunset flip powerbomb seem brutal, and her DDT finisher looks devastating.

Summary: a good match with an unconvincing (though interesting) story

Enzo Amore vs Kalisto

I hate Enzo. I hate him in the best way that it’s possible to hate a wrestler. Everything he does annoys me, yet for some reason I’m compelled to watch whenever he’s on screen. He’s a great character. I want to see him get punched in the face. In theory, then, this should have been the perfect match for me: the plucky underdog champ against the arrogant, vengeful Enzo. In reality, however, Kalisto bores me to tears. What’s his personality beyond a luchador who ‘makes Lucha Thing™’ and brings up Eddie Guerrero to get cheap pops? It’s not even as though he’s incredible in the ring. Gran Metalik is similarly bland, but at least he’s capable of jaw-dropping aerobatics. In short, given the choice between Enzo (annoying but interesting) and Kalisto (a good guy but boring), I’m always going to go with the more interesting choice. So even though I was trying to root for Kalisto (I always try to go with the story as much as possible), I was secretly glad that Enzo won.

As for the match itself, it was… there. Kalisto just isn’t very inspiring, and Enzo is severely limited in the ring. Apart from his crunchy diving DDT, all his offence looks very weak. Even his dastardly cheating doesn’t look good. (I had to watch the replay to see that he’d raked Kalisto’s eye, as, from the angle shown on TV, it looked as though he’d just given Kalisto’s cheek a light caress.) But what the cruiserweight division needs right now is a compelling story, and Enzo is more likely to provide that than a bland luchador who can’t cut promos. I hope Kalisto can settle down into the ‘midcard’ of the cruiserweights (which is the bottom of the undercard on the main roster, let’s face it) to make way for a more interesting challenger.

Summary: not very good, but I’m secretly glad that Enzo regained the title

Finn Balór vs. AJ Styles

The first of tonight’s matches to be brought to us by Viral Infections™. And what a juicy match-up it was: two veterans of the ring who cut their teeth elsewhere and spent time in NJPW. Commentary did a good job of hyping up these parallels, I thought (when Booker T wasn’t trying to derail everything – more on that later…).

The match itself was pretty sublime. Everything they did looked so crisp. Both guys got in some nice technical stuff; I enjoyed the surprise of Finn’s Romero Special, and AJ’s Calf Crusher transitions were as beautiful as always. The finish was great too, with AJ’s springboard headscissors, Balór’s brutal lariat, and then a Coup de Grâce to finish.  (Was that the most brutal Coup de Grâce that Balór has pulled off recently? It looked brilliant.) Everything made perfect sense and Styles looked great, even in defeat. AND THAT TOO SWEET AT THE END. I’ve never watched any New Japan, but even I got serious Feelings from seeing that.

However, although I’ve just waxed lyrical about it, it was only my second favourite match of the night. Why? Story (or rather, lack thereof). I enjoyed it thoroughly, but I didn’t really care who won. That’s not a criticism – they couldn’t have been expected to produce a deep narrative between two crowd favourites in a few days – it just makes me more excited to see this match further down the line with a compelling feud driving it.

Summary: a stellar match, even without a story behind it

Jason Jordan vs. Elias (Samson – Surnames 4 Justice)

It’s always sad when you get something that you wanted and then it doesn’t work out. Unfortunately, Jason Jordan’s push seems to be very much in this category. He’s not clicking with me as a goofy babyface, and it sounds as though the audience couldn’t care less about him either. The segments throughout the show where he pelted Elias with vegetables were excruciatingly embarrassing. He’s supposed to be a thoroughbred professional athlete: why would he care about someone singing a song enough to lob a cabbage at them? And where did he get those vegetables? Did he anticipate that Elias would sing at TLC (despite not having a match scheduled) and stop at the shops on his way (when he wasn’t even supposed to be wrestling either) to stock up on celery? Was there just a trolley of vegetables sitting around backstage? Absolutely baffling. It’s the worst kind of WWE ‘comedy’, of the “sufferin’ succotash” variety. Babyfaces being goofy only works if they can make it seem natural (e.g. the magnificence that is Breezango). Jordan is a talented wrestler, but he’s not capable of pulling that off.

As for the match, it was entirely missable. Jason Jordan is good in the ring (although he’s starting to fall into that predictable pattern that represents the worst of the WWE-style) but Elias is mediocre at best. As such, it was pretty boring until the dodgy finish. I couldn’t tell if it was deliberate or a mistake, but I didn’t really have much reason to care either.

Summary: a dull and lifeless affair, as the Jason Jordan experiment continues to flounder

Interlude: We Need to Talk about Booker

This was the first PPV where I’ve seriously considered muting the TV to avoid hearing the commentary. Cole was fine for most of the night (although describing Asuka as “fun-loving” was a weird call), and Graves was brilliant as usual. The problem was Booker T. Up until the penultimate match, he was mostly harmless, often falling silent for long periods before apparently waking up a loud “MMMMmmmm”. But then Jason Jordan got in the ring, and immediately everything went downhill. I can appreciate that Booker’s supposed to be the veteran who dislikes upstart rookies, but he came in far too strong by saying that Jordan only got this match because of Kurt Angle. Having presumably realised this, he spent the rest of the match flip-flopping wildly and defending himself against his increasingly exasperated colleagues. It was downright distracting, and did nothing to help poor Jason, who’s having enough trouble getting over as it is. As for the main event, Booker almost ruined several big moments with terrible calls, referring to Angle, the 48-year-old man being presented as a hero, as “pathetic”…

I may have become a wrestling fan after Booker T retired from the ring, but I know that he’s undoubtedly a legend of the business. That does not, however, mean that he is automatically qualified to commentate. Randy Savage and Mick Foley were legends, and their commentary was dire. I get that, with JBL gone, he’s the only big name left on the announce teams, but surely they could find someone else to replace him? It’s got to a point where he’s actively detracting from the product. This needs to stop. At this point I’d happily take David Otunga, Percy Watson, or even Lita. She’s not very good, but at least she doesn’t oscillate wildly between entirely opposing positions…

5-on-3 handicap pinfall or submission TLC match – The ShAngle vs. The Big Red Monster among the MizBar

This one was completely mental even before the Big Dog got the Big Sniffles. The Shield vs. a bizarre hodgepodge of their enemies, loosely held together by the Miz. Their motivations all made sense though: Braun wanted revenge for the triple powerbomb, the Bar (A.K.A. Sheasaro) wanted revenge for losing the tag titles, Kane wanted revenge for Roman retiring his brother, and the Miz was driven by an inferiority complex the size of Strowman and Big Show’s lovechild (sorry for the unwanted mental images). And then Stupid Sexy Kurt went and got involved, and suddenly it got even crazier. Kurt doing the Shield entrance with Dean and Seth, looking like, as many memes have pointed out, the biggest Make-a-Wish child ever. It was simultaneously cool and hilarious. The crowd didn’t really know what to do either, eventually making a valiant attempt to chant “You suck!” to the Shield’s music.

And all of that was before the bell had even rung. When the match got underway, things got even more balls-to-the-wall insane, with more twists and turns than a Zack Sabre Jr. submission hold. It was too action-packed to go through spot-by-spot, but I also can’t resist running down some of the highlights. So here’s a rundown of every crazy moment in this maelstrom of a match.

1. CHAIRS FOR DAYS. YOU get a chair-shot, and YOU get a chair-shot! Everyone gets a chair-shot!

2. Twin dives off ladders through the announce tables by Rollins and Ambrose and we’re not even that far into the match yet. Oh boy. This is quite something.

3. Braun kills Angle with a powerslam through a table. I’m assuming that wasn’t supposed to be part of the Make-a-Wish experience…

4. Why do tables suddenly hate Ambrose? Two refused to break for him this match. The second time looked absolutely horrible. 

5. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal, Kane. That chair spot was cool though. Made Strowman look like a monster when he dragged himself out from under them and across the stage.

6. TEAM MIZ JUST KILLED A MAN. BY CRUSHING HIM IN A BIN LORRY. WHAT IS GOING ON?! If Braun survives, surely he has to turn face now, right?

7. Angle is back! That Angle Slam through the table looked nasty in all the right ways, and I loved him taking everyone to Suplex City. This was a good showing for Kurt, especially at such short notice.

8. Is this one of those YouTube videos called ‘50 Finishers to the Miz in WWE 2k18’? With this and the Royal Rumble this year, his new quest seems to be to take a finisher from everyone on the roster…

9. Kurt Angle becomes the Biggest Dog. I never knew I needed this until now. They finally hit the triple powerbomb, and that’s it.

Okay, so on paper, I know there was a lot wrong with this match: it didn’t flow very well, the story was full of holes (what was Miz’s plan for after Angle had left and he'd put the Shield in the bin lorry? Pin… nobody? Win by default? And why did Kane wait so long to turn on Braun?), it was a bit stilted, yadda yadda yadda. But you know what? I DON’T CARE. This was So. Much. Fun. Just a car crash in the best possible way. It was complete chaos from start to finish. I had a ball watching it. There was the perfect balance of predictability (e.g. Kurt’s triumphant return) and surprise (e.g. the goddamn garbage truck). Epic WWE silliness at its finest. Matches like this are why I love pro-wrestling.

Summary: a messy, chaotic riot from start to finish. I loved every minute of it.

Overall

I really enjoyed TLC for the most part. It started off fairly pedestrian, but by the second half things started to heat up. What’s interesting is that the two stand-out matches couldn’t have been more different, each reflecting a contrasting aspect of pro-wrestling. Styles vs. Balor was pro-wrestling as sport: a highly-skilled athletic contest between two masters of their craft. The main event was wrestling as a spectacle. No one would mistake this kind of match for sport: it’s closer to a pantomime or circus show. I love both aspects of pro-wrestling, and it makes me happy that WWE in 2017 can offer both. It wasn’t just a two-match-show though: the rest of the card was fairly strong too, with above-average women’s matches and a fun cruiserweight tag.

Of course, comparisons are always going to be made with Hell in a Cell. On balance, I think that TLC had much stronger undercard, but I enjoyed Hell in a Cell more, purely because of its standout book-end matches. Balór/Styles was great, but it couldn’t match up to the drama of the New Day vs. the Usos.

But don’t get me wrong: TLC was a very fun PPV, especially considering the last-minute changes to the card. Now would someone please go and rescue Braun from the landfill site, and possibly stitch him back together. He’s got a certain A-Lister to destroy…