The first wrestling that I ever watched was
Hell in a Cell 2015, almost two years ago. I realise that, in wrestling terms,
this makes me the equivalent of a toddler babbling incoherently about
“effective booking” and “long-term storytelling” while much older fans look on
with a mixture of amusement and disgust. However, I’ve fallen down the rabbit
hole pretty thoroughly in the last year or so, so I thought I’d mark
this two year anniversary of watching men and women fight in their underwear by
starting to write about it on the internet.
Hell in a
Cell is one of those PPVs which sounds great on paper, but doesn’t work for me in
reality. When I started watching wrestling in 2015, all I wanted to see were
the cool stunts: people getting thrown off things, people going through tables,
people getting thrown off things through tables, tables getting thrown off
things through people. Hell in a Cell seemed like a dream come true: a whole
PPV devoted to the ‘most dangerous match in the WWE’. Two years later, however, while I still love
a good spot-fest (TLC II remains one of my favourite matches), I’m much more
into the story-telling aspect of wrestling. The Hell in a Cell match was
originally designed to be the violent blow-off to an epic feud which just
couldn’t be contained any other way. That’s all well and good, but when you
have a PPV devoted to this kind of match every year, you’d better hope you’ve
got some ‘epic feuds’ lined up, otherwise the whole thing feels really forced.
While I’d still prefer to have Hell in a Cell matches arise organically rather
than at a specific PPV, this year I thought that WWE did a good job of ensuring
that both Hell in a Cell matches felt as though they deserved to be in the
Cell.
New Day (c) vs. The Usos – Tag Team Hell in a Cell for the Tag Team Titles
I always
knew this was going to be a belter of a match. What I wasn’t expecting,
however, was just quite how damn fun it would be.
What worked
for me especially was how it managed to be both a complete spot-fest with
something crazy going on roughly every 0.3 seconds, but also told a brilliant
story. Everything in the match fed into the narrative that the New Day were
trying to be more vicious than they’d ever been before: from the very start,
when the New Day unveiled their weapons that they’d obviously placed under the
ring themselves (that rainbow kendo stick was a thing of beauty), to later on
in the match when they tried to trap an Uso (I can never remember how you’re
supposed to tell them apart) in the corner with kendo sticks . Even their
pre-match promo didn’t end with the usual “New… Day Rocks” chants and
accompanying hip gyrations. (It strikes me that Bayley could really have
benefitted from the same kind of treatment in that godawful ‘kendo stick on a
pole’ match at Extreme Rules this year, instead of ending up looking as though
she’d struggle to pin a wet paper bag – thinking about that still makes me
angry.) However, as ruthless as the New Day were, the Usos always went managed
to be even crueller. Xavier Woods went nuts with musical instruments (which I
loved), but the Usos fought back with real weapons. The New Day tried to be
innovative and trap an Uso with kendo sticks but then the Usos straight-up tied
Woods to a post and beat the crap out of him (which was really hard to watch,
in the best possible way).
And those
spots… I legitimately thought Big E was going to kill himself with that suicide
spear into the cage. And his uranage off the apron into the backstabber from
Xavier was innovative, brutal, and messy in the best possible way. But then,
just when you thought things couldn’t escalate any further, the Usos hit a kind
of springboard Doomsday Device on Big E, INTO THE CAGE WALL. Crazy. Absolutely
crazy.
The final
splash onto a chair would have almost seemed like a let-down, if Xavier hadn’t
taken unbelievable amounts of punishment throughout the rest of the match. His
final desperate pin break, followed by his valiant attempt to fight with his
hands cuffed was one of the best babyface moments I’ve seen all year, and it
only made his subsequent demise seem even more crushing.
Sensational
stuff - this match is definitely in my shortlist of ‘match of the year’ contenders.
This was a fantastic end to a great feud and I hope that both teams move on
from this to have good feuds with other guys. If the calibre of this series is
any indication, I don’t doubt that they will.
Summary: incredible match with breath-taking
spots and a compelling story
Randy Orton (boo) vs. Rusev (yay)
I really
don’t get the love for Randy Orton. He looks cool and he has a brilliant
finisher, but I find him pretty dull in the ring and he comes across as a bit
of a dick. And crowds seem to love him. Feuds like this don’t help me like him.
Poor Rusev, the handsome, majestic beast that he is, just wanted to celebrate
being handsome and Bulgarian in peace, when some prick from Missouri who thinks
he’s snake came along and ruined everything. Seriously though? What has Rusev
actually done to deserve being booed here? Being proud of a country which isn’t
the USA? But apparently, since WWE logic says that racism is only bad when
Canadian-Indians do it, the literal arsonist, Randy Orton, is the face here.
And that
brings us to the match. It was… fine, I guess. I found myself checking my phone
throughout a lot of it. The crowd seemed into it, but I just couldn’t get
invested, even though I wanted to see Rusev beat Orton. I liked that commentary
mentioned the whole ‘Legend Killer’ thing, but I wish that that had been a
bigger part of the build rather than just “Boo foreigners, yay Americans”.
I did think
that the finish was excellent though, with Rusev grabbing Orton’s arms as he
did the rather silly “slithering in” thing, rolling beautifully into the
Accolade, and then Orton doing the ol’ ‘Russ Abbott special’ through Rusev’s
legs (there need to be more old-school Johnny Saint moves used in WWE) followed
by a brutal RKO. It’s a shame to see Rusev lose again, but I’m just done with
this feud really. Let’s move on and let Rusev do something else.
Summary: A thoroughly average match with a
neat ending
AJ Styles (c) vs. Tye Dillinger vs. Baron Corbin – Triple Threat for the US Title
Who’s afraid
of the big, bad motorcycle wolf? Not me – he’s mostly just boring. The addition
of Tye made the match feel fresh, but it highlighted how I’d much rather see
basically anyone in the ring with AJ Styles than Corbin. I thought that the
parts of the match which were just AJ and Tye were fun and dynamic, but as soon
as Big Barry C. got involved, things slowed down to a snail’s pace and I
started to zone out. I know that he’s a heel and I should be wanting the faces
to escape his clutches, but there are ways to achieve that without making the
audience switch off. I’m not saying he should be throwing planchas every five
minutes – maybe just cut down on the rest holds and the endless punches a
little.
Having said that, there were some really fun spots involving all three guys. I loved Baron catching Styles with the chokebreaker off the attempted springboard (though I still maintain that that move is far too brutal to be a transitional move, especially as in Chikara it KAYFABE MURDERS PEOPLE). Tye literally falling into a cover was really clever too and I’ll always pop for the beauty that is Baron Corbin’s Deep Six.
I liked the
finish too. It made me annoyed in a good way at Corbin for stealing the win,
and kept AJ looking strong. The US title is a perfect place for Baron at the
moment I think, and hopefully Styles will go on to do bigger and better things
(just please not losing to Jinder). Tye also had a really good showing, so
hopefully he gets something good soon.
Summary: fun match, shame about the
endless stalling from Corby B.
Charlotte vs. Natalya (c) for the Women's Title
Okay, I
expect I’ll get some flak for this one but… I actually quite liked this match.
It wasn’t amazing or anything, but I think it was better than the crowd
reaction suggested. It doesn’t help that the feud going in has been completely
heatless. Natalya is a decent wrestler, but possibly the worst actress ever and
entirely incapable of seeming genuine.
With that in
mind, I thought she did a decent job here of working over Charlotte’s leg. I’m
always a sucker for some limb-targeting, especially when it’s sold well (I loved
Charlotte hopping to the top turnbuckle). Whilst it wasn’t the slickest
leg-destruction in the world, it laid some solid groundwork for a potentially
fun finish.
Unfortunately,
just when it seemed as though the match was going to go up a gear… it just
ended. With a DQ. Now I don’t get as mad at DQ finishes as some people. When
they’re used sparingly (as they were on this show) I think they can be an
effective way to get the audience invested in seeing someone get beaten. But
what annoyed me about this was that, over the last few weeks, the women’s
segments on SmackDown have seemed entirely superfluous and throwaway. Why
couldn’t they have done this finish last week, and had the rematch at the PPV?
This would have made an excellent TV match, instead of the baffling tag match
that they had instead (where Charlotte tapped out). That way, people might have
actually cared about this match going in.
I hope that
we get some decent women’s singles stories soon, but since the next SmackDown
PPV is Survivor Series which will undoubtedly feature Team SmackDown vs Team
Raw, I’m somewhat doubtful about that…
Summary: the first half of a decent
match, with solid limb-working, let down by a flat DQ finish.
Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura.
Ugh. This is
bollocks. Shameful, boring, lazy, uninspiring, ungrateful bollocks. Let’s say
you’re SmackDown’s creative team. You’ve suddenly got a guy on your hands who’s
more popular than most of your roster. He was a sensation in Japan, has an
incredible look and entrance, and was a dominant fan-favourite in NXT, although
hasn’t quite had the classic matches that people were hoping for. How do you
book him? Throw him into a hot feud with a heel who’ll help him to showcase
what he can do in the ring but whom he can bet convincingly, right? Nah, have
him get beaten up by Ziggler for a while, and then get pinned twice (once cleanly)
by a guy who was in undercard ‘comedy’ spots with an NFL player six months ago.
I’m all for letting WWE tell the stories that they want to tell rather than
fantasy booking and getting angry when it doesn’t happen, but this seems like
such a waste. Baffling. Absolutely baffling.
The match
was as humdrum and listless as they come which, considering one of people in it
is one of the best wrestlers in the world, is an almost impressive feat of
mediocrity. It’s possible that Nakamura is still adjusting to the WWE style,
but even if he isn’t, there’s no way he’s going to be able to put on a classic
with a man who, with the best will in the world, has never had a good match in
his life. Again, it’s not that I think Jinder ought to be pulling out
moonsaults – he is a heel after all. Just some basic skill at pacing a match or
doing anything other than endless rest holds would be nice. When commentary says
his style ‘isn’t flashy’, what they really mean is that he’s boring as hell.
As usual,
the artists-formerly-known-as-the-Bollywood-Boyz were the best part of the
match. I actually liked how the match played off Jinder’s previous distraction
wins by having the Singhs ejected towards the end. Surely Nakamura had to win
now? Nope. One crappy ‘Khallas’ cobra clutch slam, and that was it. This isn’t
being a good heel: this is breaking storytelling. I just can’t bring myself to
believe that Nakamura, who was so dominant in NXT, would be pinned after being
lowered gently to the mat once by an ex-jobber.
If the guy
at the top of the mountain in on your show isn’t believable as the top guy, how
can you expect anything else to stand up to scrutiny?
Summary: dull match with an unconvincing finish
Summary: dull match with an unconvincing finish
Bobby Roode vs Dolph Ziggler
From dull to
duller. At least there were some stakes in the last match. This one felt like
the standard match that every debuting wrestler has with Ziggler. Corbin,
Nakamura, Roode: they’ve all fallen into the quagmire of storytelling that is
Dolph Ziggler. At least he’s trying to do something different with his whole ‘I
don’t need a fancy entrance because I’m the best wrestler in the world’ deal. I
actually liked him coming out with no music, but the whole thing just rings a
bit false. It would work better if he were a Cesaro or a Sami Zayn who people do think are genuinely better in the
ring than a lot of main event guys. Ziggler is good, sure, but I can’t believe
that anyone honestly thinks that he’s leagues above someone like Styles.
The match
was… a match. Moves happened. Roode continued to feel a bit awkward as a face
for me. Ziggler continued to be boring. I liked the ‘Roll-Up City’ finish and
Ziggler’s subsequent fury, but unfortunately it seems to mean that this feud
will continue. Let’s hope it gets more interesting, or that Roode can extricate
himself before he Ziggler drags him down to Hell in the Midcard.
Summary: fine
Shane vs Owens: Hell in a Cell
I didn’t
watch WWE back then, but when fans talk about how they wish the current product
were more like the Attitude Era, this is the kind of thing that I imagine they
want more of. This felt truly epic in length, scale and story, and was filled
with so many brilliant and shocking moments. Going in, I was hoping it would be
more Shane vs Styles from WM33 than Shane vs Undertaker from WM32, and I wasn’t
disappointed. It felt like one of those ridiculous Hell in a Cell matches that
you have when playing wrestling games with your mates (except Shane didn’t
spend 20 minutes trying to get the OMG moment to trigger so he could leave the
cage – bolt cutters are cheating). It helped that the build to it was stellar
and I was thoroughly invested in the story. I like Kevin Owens the performer
very much, but I sure as hell wanted to see Kevin Owens the character get beaten
by Shane. And what’s more, I believed that it was possible, despite Shane being
a 47-year-old non-wrestling businessman! Hey, WWE title scene, this is how you tell an improbable yet
believable story…
The ‘falls
count anywhere’ stipulation meant that the focus of match was always going to be
outside the cage, but I was pleasantly surprised by how fun the bit inside was.
There were lots of fun spots, like the coast-to-coast, the shooting star press
and KO’s incredible cannonball through a table. Owens’ constant jaw-jacking was
great too, although someone should have briefed Shane’s kids a bit more
thoroughly on at least pretending to look concerned for their dad’s wellbeing…
(Hell, I was concerned for him, and I’m not even related to the guy…) The only
really glaring flaw was that ridiculous rope break bit. What were Owens and the
ref thinking? It’s always a grey area whether no-DQ matches have rope break,
but add ‘falls count anywhere’ in and you can definitely pin under the ropes. Still, the ever-brilliant Corey
Graves made a valiant save on commentary.
And then things
got serious. When Owens climbed the cell and looked as though he was going to
jump, I was confused: why would Kevin, the cowardly short-cut taker that he is,
put his own body on the line to defeat Shane? But then he bottled it and
everything made sense. It was such a great story – Owens is fine attacking
defenceless old men, but when he has to risk his own wellbeing to defeat his
opponent, he just can’t do it. The fight on top of the cell was an amazing
visual and truly epic, but it started to drag after the fifth or sixth move up
there: with each one, the impact was lessened. Owens going through the table was
a fantastic bump, and Shane’s elbow was no less incredible than it was at Mania.
But then.
Then. SAMI GODDAMN ZAYN. At this point you should probably know that Sami is my
absolute favourite wrestler, bar none. I like my babyfaces to actually be
decent people: he’s such a sympathetic character, both in the ring and out of
it, as well as being an incredible wrestler. I was wearing his NXT shirt as I
watched this PPV. And then he betrayed me. I think I actually shouted “NO” at
the TV, despite it being some ungodly hour of the morning. This sheer raw
emotion is why I watch wrestling: the shock of seeing one of my favourite guys seemingly
betray the principles that I’d always admired him for. It raised so many
questions in the best possible way. Why did he do it? If it was just because he
was worried about Kevin, then why did he help Kevin to win the match as well? Will
he show remorse, or has he become a complete dickhead straight away? Whatever
the answers, I’ll definitely be tuning into SmackDown to find out (as well as
for Pulp Fashion, obviously). This was a fantastic end to a great match.
My only
worry is that Shane can’t and shouldn’t keep doing matches like this. I noticed
that the Shooting Star Press, which got such a huge reaction at WM, barely
caused a stir this time. Every match he has to do something even more spectacular
and dangerous than before in order to wow the crowd. Reports are that he was
legitimately hospitalised after jumping from the cell this time. One of the
reasons I feel happy enjoying pro-wrestling is that I know that pro-wrestlers are
trying not to cause any actual damage to each other or themselves. If Shane
continues to push the boundaries then I’m not sure I’ll feel comfortable
watching his matches any more.
But for now,
this was brilliant, and (for the most part), the 39 minutes flew by.
Summary: a true spectacle with a perfectly executed
twist-ending, and only a few parts which dragged
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